Jackhammer… & Beyond…

Dada is Peace, not Art… digital collage, early 2020

As I take this time to reflect back on all of the creations I brought to life over the last year, I’m amazed at how many of them correlate to my current situation with TMS therapy. And I’m paying attention to that.

Tap Tap Tap… digital collage, fall 2019

The first week of sessions, they “walk you up” in the intensity of the energy being pulsed into your brain. Maximum efficiency level is 120. After about the first week or so your sessions run continuously at 120, and that’s where I’m at now. I talked about I would felt like a woodpecker, machine gun sounds come to mind as well, but that’s a bit aggressive violent and destructive for what I want to accomplish… So my mental perception switched to a jackhammer… Pounding in the sense, chipping away the old…

My breathing exercises during the sessions are becoming more regular and easy to maintain. It’s my thought patterns that throw them off. I added a new thing to the sessions as well, usually I sit there in silence with no music no TV no nothing, but I’ve started watching drone nature videos without sound during my sessions. And that has been the biggest help to me in maintaining my breathing regularly. I still visualize my surgical hands, especially when I get lost in thought and distracted. I’ll immediately envision the hands working, putting me back on track, working on a new neural pathway…

… I may be settling in now…

And one of my sessions last week, I thought to myself… I’m proud of you, myself… And I was. My ex-wife I tried to beat it into my head that no one was going to help me, my family didn’t like me and wasn’t going to be there for me, none of my friends were going to help me. He was the only one who could do anything for me… And I am very proud of the fact that I have done everything for myself since I have left her. But I was still too ashamed to admit it publicly… And I’m still working on that…

2 thoughts on “Jackhammer… & Beyond…

  1. Lynn Reynolds says:

    Stan, it sounds like you are settling into making positive changes, which is all good! Whoever made up that kid’s thing: sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me, was crazy in a bad way! Words DO hurt! Especially from someone who is supposed to love and care for us! I think that they are the ones with the issues, be it jealousy, envy, general unhappiness with themselves! They don’t know how to help themselves so take it out on others and you were the recipient of that low self esteem ex-wife. Fortunately you got yourself out and are now taking care of yourself in such positive ways! And I’m happy to see your progress!!! Your art is fantastic, don’t let anyone say otherwise, and your attitude is improving day to day, which I’m sure you can feel. And you have a whole community of artists behind you!!! Me included!!!!

    Like

    1. Stanarchy says:

      Lynn thank you so much for joining me on here. You are a major inspiration to me 🙂 and for that I am forever grateful. And I agree with your comments about words. They are strong magic and you can use them to totally destroy, or to create something beautiful and worthwhile.

      Liked by 1 person

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